Know, O Commander of the Faithful, that my second brother's name was al-Haddar, the Babbler, and he was a paralytic. One day, as he went about his business, an old woman approached him and said, "Stop a moment, my good man, so that I may tell you of something which, if it pleases you, you will do for me, and I will pray Allah to grant you good for it!" My brother stopped and she continued, "I will put you in the way of a certain thing, but you must not be wasteful of your words." "Go on then," he said, and she replied, "What do you say to fine rooms and a beautiful garden with flowing water, blooming flowers, and fruit trees, and fine wine, and a pretty young woman whose lips you may kiss from dark until dawn? If you do whatever I tell you, you will see something greatly to your advantage." "Is all this truly possible?" asked my brother, and she answered, "Yes, and it shall be yours if you are sensible and avoid idle curiosity and unnecessary talk, and do what I ask." "I will indeed, my lady," he said. "But how is it that you have chosen me above all others, and what pleases you so much about me?"

She said, "Did I not tell you to hold your tongue? Be silent and follow me. Know that the young lady to whom I will take you loves to have her own way and hates anyone who opposes or contradicts her. If you indulge her every whim, you will have her favour." And my brother said, "I will not cross her in anything." She went on and my brother followed her, eager with desire for all that she had promised, until they entered a large and handsome house, richly furnished, full of eunuchs and servants and showing prosperity in every detail. As she led him upstairs, the servants asked him, "What are you doing here?" But the old woman answered them, "Leave him be—he is a workman whom we have need of." She brought him into a beautiful great pavilion with a garden at its centre—a garden lovelier than any eye had ever seen. She made him sit upon a handsome couch. He had scarcely been seated when he heard a commotion, and in came a troop of slave girls surrounding a lady radiant as the full moon. When he saw her, he rose and bowed before her. She welcomed him and bid him be seated. Once he sat, she said to him, "May Allah grant you honour! Is all well with you?" "O my lady," he answered, "all is very well with me."

She ordered food to be brought, and delicate dishes were set before her. She began to eat, showing great affection to my brother and joking with him, though she constantly laughed—but whenever he looked at her, she would signal to her handmaidens as if mocking him with them. My foolish brother understood nothing of this; caught in his ridiculous passion, he imagined that the lady was in love with him and would soon yield to his desires. When they finished eating, wine was brought. Ten maidens entered, beautiful as moons, carrying stringed lutes, and they began to sing with sweet and mournful voices. My brother was filled with delight. He took a cup from the lady's hands and drank it standing. Then she drank a cup and my brother, still standing, wished her health and bowed to her. She handed him another cup, and when he had drunk it, she slapped him hard on the back of his neck. My brother wanted to leave the house in anger, but the old woman followed him and winked at him to return. So he came back, and the lady bid him sit down without a word. Then she slapped him again on the back of his neck. But one slapping was not enough for her—she made all her handmaidens also slap and strike him. My brother kept saying to the old woman, "I have never seen anything more delightful than this!"

The old woman kept crying, "Enough, enough, I beg you, my mistress!" But the women continued to slap him until he nearly lost consciousness. Presently, my brother rose to step outside to answer a call of nature, but the old woman caught up with him and said, "Be patient a little longer and you will have your wish." "How much longer must I wait?" my brother asked. "This slapping has made me feel faint." "As soon as she is heated with wine," she answered, "you will have your desire." So he returned to his seat. Then all the handmaidens rose, and the lady ordered them to perfume him with incense and sprinkle his face with rose water. She said to him, "May Allah grant you honour! You have entered my house and endured my ways, for I turn away any who thwart me, but I grant whatever I wish to those who are patient." "O my mistress," he said, "I am your slave, in the palm of your hand!" She continued, "Know that Allah has made me love amusement above all things, and whoever indulges my whims will receive whatever he desires." She ordered her maidens to sing loudly until the whole company was delighted.

Then she said to one of them, "Take your master and do what is needed and bring him back to me at once." The slave girl took my brother (he not knowing what she would do with him), but the old woman caught up with them and said, "Be patient—there is only a little more to endure." His face brightened at this, and the old woman kept saying, "Be patient, you will soon have your wish!" Until my brother asked, "What does she wish the maiden to do with me?" "Nothing but good," she replied. "Upon my life, she only wishes to dye your eyebrows and pluck out your moustache." He said, "The dye will wash out easily enough, but plucking out my moustache—that is a painful business." "Take care not to displease her," cried the old woman, "for she has set her heart on you." So my brother patiently allowed the maiden to dye his eyebrows and pluck out his moustache. When she returned to her mistress and told her, the lady said, "There is only one other thing left to do: you must shave off his beard and make him smooth-faced." The maiden went back and told him what her mistress had ordered, and my foolish brother said to her, "How can I do something that will disgrace me before everyone?"

But the old woman said, "She does this only so that you will be like a beardless youth with no hair on your face to scratch and prick her tender cheeks, for she is deeply in love with you. Be patient and you will achieve your aim." My brother was patient and submitted, allowing the maiden to shave off his beard. When he was brought back to the lady, he was transformed: his eyebrows dyed red, both his moustaches plucked out, his beard shaved away, and his cheeks rouged. At first she was startled by the sight of him, but then she burst into mockery, laughing until she fell upon her back, crying, "O my lord, you have truly won my heart with your good nature!" She swore by her life that he must stand up and dance for her. He rose and pranced about, and there was not a cushion in the house that she did not throw at his head, and her maidens did likewise, pelting him with oranges, lemons, and citrons until he fell senseless from the blows on the back of his neck, the cushions, and the fruit. When he came around, the old woman said, "Now you have gained your wish! There are no more blows in store for you, and there remains only one small thing to do. It is her custom, when she is drunk with wine, to allow no one near her until she removes her dress and trousers and stands completely naked. Then she will tell you to remove your clothes and run after her. She will run before you as if fleeing, and you must follow her from room to room until you are at the height of desire, when she will yield to you." She added, "Remove your clothes now." So he rose, nearly delirious with ecstasy, and removed his clothing, standing completely naked.

When it was the Thirty second night

The lady then removed her own clothes and said to my brother, "If you want me, run after me until you catch me." She set off running and he ran after her as she rushed through room after room in the house, my brother pursuing her like a madman in the grip of desire, his member standing at full attention. They raced through many chambers, and finally she dashed into a darkened passage. He chased after her, but suddenly his foot came down upon a soft spot that gave way beneath his weight. Before he knew what was happening, he found himself in the middle of a crowded marketplace—the leather sellers' bazaar, where merchants cried their wares and haggled over skins and hides. When they saw him—naked, with his member erect, beardless and moustacheless, with dyed eyebrows and rouged cheeks—they laughed and clapped and began to beat him with leather hides across his bare body until he lost consciousness. They threw him on the back of a donkey and carried him to the Chief of Police. The Chief asked, "What is this?" and they answered, "This man fell suddenly upon us from the Wazir's house in this condition." The Prefect gave him a hundred lashes and then banished him from Baghdad.

I went after him, however, and brought him back secretly into the city. I gave him a daily allowance to live on, though in truth, had I not been generous-hearted, I could not have tolerated the sight of him. Then the Caliph agreed to hear